


la douleur exquise

by woobok



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: I was sad sorry, Implied Cheating, M/M, Mentions of cigarette, Not A Happy Ending, jaewoo angst, jungwoo smokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:35:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27559189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woobok/pseuds/woobok
Summary: la douleur exquise: the pain of loving someone that you know you can never haveorjaehyun knows he loves him, but fuck it he's getting married tomorrow and jungwoo isn't the other groom
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Jungwoo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	la douleur exquise

**Author's Note:**

> \- i missed jaewoo so much so yes, angst!  
> this is also posted on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/jzeusclues/status/1321331554044444674?s=20)
> 
> all mistakes are mine, please enjoy! :>

-

they found themselves on the balcony of the couple’s apartment. everyone was asleep. jaehyun checked his room and found his fiancé already in dreamland. but then, he noticed a figure missing on the pile of resting men in their guest room.

the night was to celebrate his and his fiancé’s final day as single men. they had their closest friends— people whom they’ve known for more than a decade. everyone was there, _he_ was there as well.

the small opening from the sliding door to the balcony served as clue as to where _he_ was. jaehyun silently went to the other and found him with a cigarette on hand. their friends would freak out to see jungwoo smoking, but jaehyun wasn’t new to this (especially when he was the one who influenced the other)

in the series of things jaehyun regrets, this would surely earn a high place (and among all the things he painfully, but secretly regrets, the man who’s smoking would be holding the top spot).

the younger looked at him blankly as he gets something off his pocket, “want one?” he offers.

jaehyun waved his hand and rejected the offer. jungwoo sighs as he put the cigarette between his lips, a deep inhale, and sighs heavily as he stares at the smoke that puffed from his mouth.

it was a sight to see. well, for jaehyun, everything jungwoo does is a sight to see. may it be bad, may it be good, every movement of the younger leaves him in awe.

(but his favorite would be how the younger smiles at him and holds him, but no one has to know that)

{(and maybe that’s why even the gravest sins still made him look like an angel)}

they fall in silence. both staring at the buildings and the sky. the sun was almost rising, the heavens in a battle of darkness and light. it was cold, very cold. jaehyun knows because he felt the warmth before- the burning sensation of soft hands touching his chest, slow kisses on the bareness of his neck, and a certain smile that made his insides melt into pure devastation.

“you’re getting married tomorrow,” jungwoo says, not taking a look on him.

jaehyun lift up his head and sighed, “that i am.”

_ another silence. _

jaehyun heard a deep sigh before jungwoo speaks, “i never congratulated you, so congratulations.”

jaehyun looked at the younger, stared at the sparkling eyes. the wonders and curves of the younger’s face. “you don’t have to.” 

jungwoo looked back at him.

then jaehyun saw _him_.

he saw _his_ jungwoo.

he saw beneath the smiling eyes and curved lips. he saw past beneath the empty words and squeezes on the shoulder. he saw beyond the words of yesterday and the smoke between them at that moment. nothing was clearer than jungwoo's image.

he saw jungwoo

_ and his sadness _

_ and his anger _

_ he saw jungwoo, the one who loved him most _

(and probably the one he would ever love most).

it was a split second but everything flashed to jaehyun. he then noticed that jungwoo was squinting his eyes on the sky, and both noticed how there were no stars that night.

“i loved you,” jaehyun starts, “you know that right?” (i love you he wanted to say but he knows he couldn’t, _he shouldn’t_ )

“you’re getting married tomorrow,” jungwoo reminds him, as if he didn't knew. “you shouldn’t be saying _that_ to me.”

jaehyun smiled, “i know,” he went to the edge of the balcony and looked down. he realized how high they were off the ground. reminds him of the heights they've reached when they were together (it also reminded him that there was no where for them to go but down)

{(they were bound to go down, horribly)}

{{(they were so wrong in many levels, but it felt so horribly right)}}

“you’re being an asshole.” jungwoo says, “stop being unfair.”

and maybe jaehyun was really an asshole. “i was never fair to you, wasn’t i?”

with that jungwoo looked at him. the jungwoo he saw a while ago was gone. this jungwoo was empty and unreadable. there was a void that follows, a sudden knock on jaehyun's head that everything has changed now.

(

no, everything has changed when he went to jungwoo's apartment on a 3 AM. with jungwoo begging him to leave. when jungwoo asked for them to stop because it wasn’t fair. because it was hurting him. because they were bad and wrong, and everything was a mess. when jungwoo said he loves him, so much, too much it burns him.

)

_but fuck jaehyun because he loved that mess, but he knew jungwoo was right._

{and he knew everything about them stopped when he saw jungwoo hugged him and taeyong on the night of their engagement party}

-

“you know i can’t hate you right?” jungwoo says and jaehyun just noticed the tears forming on the younger’s eyes. he badly wanted to wipe the tears, but he knows another touch of each other would burn them both.

“you should though, you have every right to.”

jungwoo gasped as he looked up, wiping his own tears. “god i fucking hate you.”

“i thought you can’t?” jaehyun smiles sincerely, a warm rushing on his chest. a sudden heat, a sudden ache.

“there were many things i thought i can’t do,” jungwoo says, now with a more stable voice, “but still did.”

jungwoo looked at him, his eyes are so beatiful, jaehyun thinks. but the guilt of knowing how he stole the other's innocence and purity haunts him. those soft eyes will forever remind him of his sins, of his mistakes, ~~of his unknown capability to love **that** much.~~

“maybe if i let myself believe i hate you, maybe i will.”

jaehyun is an asshole. he is very much aware of that. he knew he was hurting jungwoo, but he also knew this was the last time they’d talk.

“what do you want me to do woo?”

jaehyun laughed painfully. because he knows they both knew they can’t do anything anymore. jungwoo finishes his cigarette. threw it on the trash bin and turned his back on the older.

“jaehyun?” jungwoo calls, his back facing the older, “that was the first time you told me you love me.”

-

and in the silence of the morning, jaehyun found himself on his and taeyong’s balcony. alone. jungwoo left to go home. he picked up his phone and stared at a photo taken 12 years before.

jungwoo was always pretty. from the first day he met him, until now.

jaehyun smiled as he stares at the younger’s face.

_Delete Photo._

-

jaehyun knew he was an asshole because as he says “i do” to the promise of forever, he was thinking of another man.

he searches for _him_ on the crowd, but he was nowhere to be found.

\- end -

**Author's Note:**

> apologies for the excessive use of brackets and parentheses lmao
> 
> talk to me
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/jzeusclues)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/jzeusclues)


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